Soccer Sucks
“Soccer Sucks,” Claims Guy Who’s Never Seen It Danny Lombard, a bartender from Secaucus, NJ, expressed his opinion last night that “soccer sucks” and anybody who plays or watches it is “likely gay or a foreigner or something.” Lombard later admitted that he has never actually seen the sport played. Lombard’s statements came during an approximately three minute-long diatribe against soccer when one of the friends he had over to his home to play poker mentioned that his son was going away to a soccer camp next month. “Soccer – what is your son gay or something?” said Lombard. “How could you let him play soccer? It sucks. It’s a game for girls and supposed males who aren’t manly enough to play football.” Lombard continued on, questioning everything from his friend’s merits as a father to why soccer players “have to cover their itty bitty little penises on those penalty shots. If they were real men they’d take a shot in the ‘nads with pride and then play on and beat the crap out of the fairy that kicked the ball at them.” “I actually kind of enjoy watching it,” said Greg Mirelli, another of Lombard’s poker friends, after the rant had ended. “There’s a certain artistry to the game, especially on the elite level. I even get up early in the morning sometimes to watch games live from Europe.” Mirelli’s defense of the game inspired several others in attendance to speak up and admit that they didn’t find soccer to be so bad, after which Lombard came clean and admitted he had never really seen it played. “I’ve seen a few highlights here and there on television, but as a rule I always change the channel when they come on,” said Lombard. “And I once picked up my niece at her soccer practice and caught a bit of that – but regardless of what all of you say, soccer still sucks and I ain’t never going to watch it.”

nobody
U.S. soccer team finally appreciating that no one gives a crap about soccer in America In the week since its disappointing play in the World Cup led to an early exit from the tournament, members of the U.S. soccer team are fully appreciating for the first time in their lives the benefits of playing a sport that few people in America care about. “Ever since I was a teenager and moving up through the system it really bothered me that the general public didn’t pay attention to soccer and didn’t care about our team,” said forward Landon Donovan. “But I never realized the flipside to that – that when we suck and embarrass us on the world stage it’s no big deal back home. We escape all the scrutiny.” Fellow teammate DaMarcus Beasley said that after coming home from Germany he feared he wouldn’t be able to go out in public without getting disapproving from strangers. But he has been pleasantly surprised. “Not a single person has recognized me. Same as always,” said Beasley. “It’s been great.” Donovan noticed that the team received a day or two of criticism after their elimination, but the media quickly moved on to other stories. “In other countries we’d still be the biggest story and we’d be getting hammered,” said Donovan. “But not here. In fact, I told some of my neighbors that we won the whole thing. And once I explained to them what the World Cup is, they congratulated me. It was really exciting.”

I tried watching some soccer the other day, and was like "Yeah this could be pretty cool!" being reminded of how awesome Fifa 2005 for PS2 is, and was like "Yeah this is cool!" at first but it really does get boring after like 3 minutes.